Are you looking for some funny jokes? Pick your favorite one from more than 86 quotes about funny golf with images and use it wherever you like. It means, in so many words, that if you can golf when the wind is blowing youre a man; if not, youre still a boy. Mini Golf Captions. As he approached the threesome, he said Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. Try choking donw on the shaft. He's the one getting his balls cleaned. When your golf cart capsizes. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Tahiti who? "I'll kiss you on the rain so you get twice as wet". now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); 1. 4. H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight. Fore! ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, 15+ Easy and Funny Animal Riddles for Kids (with answers) 2023, 79 HILARIOUS Holiday Jokes For A Jolly Mood, 49 Jokes about Teachers and Students (that work like Science: Always get a reaction), 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! Achieve more with each and every round you play. Whos there? What do you call a blonde at a golf course? I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team., To which the Mormon replies, You fellas aint got a clue. My caddy says I should use a hard 7. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers , Now, enough talking, lets swing this thing. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". 2. After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen. USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A great golf course both frees and challenges a golfers mind. Tom Watson, 7. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. I just finished a round of golf, wanna be my 19th hole today? In golf as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference. Anonymous, 34. 56 Golf Pick Up Lines Many golfing terms sound naughty. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. . With trust, it feels like you and your golf club are partners dancing as one. A golf ball can be driven 300 yards. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. clubs. Why dont grasshoppers play golf? What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Your fifth putt. Just in case they get a slice! As in, surf the web, gather knowledge, and share them. Theres enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game youre supposed to enjoy. Amy Alcott, 15. I smile at obstacles. Tiger Woods, 13. Or under. Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early. Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. Mar 14, 2021 - Find the best golf humor and cartoons on this board by www.GolfBallsUnlimited.com. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. P. G. Wodehouse, The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman a matter of millimeters. Because you got me soaking wet. "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember His comment gets at a few things: the wondrous and fascinating aspects of the game and its tendency to make bold-faced liars of its participants. What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf? William Topaz McGonagall, Golf epitomizes the tame world. Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. It can be rewarding. I . Im the best. 5. Obviously I'm a man that loves Gatorade and I'd definitely like to raid your gato. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. Eight. What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? Don't dirt your soul. Two rounds a day are plenty. Dave Barry, Golf is the only game I know where you call a foul on yourself. They like cricket better. Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores? Dean Martin, He loved the game. 23+ Revolutionary Sayings From Corrie Ten Boom | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 52+ Knowledgeable Sayings On Cosmetologist | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 43+ Motivating Sayings On Hungry | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, TOP 50 Inspirational Golf Quotes & Sayings | Download Images, 58+ Funny Tennis Quotes | Free Images & Pictures Download, TOP 50 Funny Sports Quotes | HD Images & Pictures Download. How many strokes was that? What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? 21. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. 150 Puns From All Walks of Life. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! Andrew Barton Paterson, A boss once told me, Colleen, its not about the meeting, its about the scotch after the meeting. So what's it gonna be today, Stroke Play or Skins? I'm a bit tired so how about we just play your backside tonight? So, what are your thoughts? Even though youre a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again. Golf is a lot like life. You are signed up for our newsletter! Just ask my ex -wives. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse. Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer? Youve got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 43. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice. Harry Vardon, There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice. Knock, knock but I can show you what is! Could you in the moment quiet your thoughts and execute? Brent Musberger, If you break 100, watch your golf. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. Chip Shot. Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." Success depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character. Arnold Palmer, 52. Daphne du Maurier, With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game; without bats, you cannot Play. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. My three keys to success: One, work hard. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. Quotes tagged as "golf" Showing 1-30 of 130. ~ Sijin Bt. My shaft is bent. Robert Fuller Murray, Golf is a fascinating game. Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. All he knows how to play with is Clubs! No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. P-U-T-T is correct, the instructor replied. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. Sam Snead. So I thought I should start a website about jokes. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. If you break 80, watch your business. People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. You shot an eight. Its not just enough to swing at the ball. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. 2. Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. GOLF DIGEST MAY EARN A PORTION OF SALES FROM PRODUCTS THAT ARE PURCHASED THROUGH OUR SITE AS PART OF OUR AFFILIATE PARTNERSHIPS WITH RETAILERS. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional shelf-sitting. So that you can share them back, with the whole world. Because I'm going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? 5. "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.". Knock, knock Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. 1. Figure out your weakness and dont make it your weakness anymore. Stacy Lewis, 60. The rest is being comfortable with the different situations on the course. Mickey Wright, 57. I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. Why do golfers hate cake? Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled. If everything was given to you, it wouldnt feel as good when you achieve it. Annika Sorenstam, 24. Boo who? Golfing is a lot like masturbation. All through the night they made wild love together. 9. Damn, girl. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. when we were married," said the pouting wife. Why a carrot as a logo? Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. 3. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. What Is The Difference Between a Golf Skirt and a Tennis Skirt? No, but I'm willing to screw in them. Because her coach was a pumpkin. Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? Grip the club as if you were holding a baby bird. Sam Snead, 58. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. I'm a bit tired, so can we just play your backside tonight? Ben Hogan, The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". However, every person playing the game has the basis of good mental skills for golf. How Long Does It Take to Play 18 Holes of Golf? Photo: Shutterstock. How I Lost Weight Playing Golf & Other Golf Benefits, Golf And Fitness Tips from a TPI Golf Fitness Instructor, How to Improve Your Handicap and Golf Game, How To Know What Golf Club to Use on the Golf Course, Goal Setting is a Great Way to Improving Your Golf Game, Best Putters for Women 2023 Find the Best Ladies Putters, Black Friday and Cyber Monday Golf Discounts. J.R. Rim, Till saints and angels hymn forevermore / The miracle of your astounding score / And He who keeps all players in His sight / Walking the royal and ancient hills of light / Standing benignant at the eighteenth hole / To everlasting Golf consigns your soul. "The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.". So we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. nay I my child, and eke, oh! To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." Why are golf and sex so similar? You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will Jack Lemmon, There are many things you can successfully fake in businessbut a good golf swing isnt one of them. Man: Please dont go. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton making us think more than wed like to. Sir W.G. Leslie Nielsen, Mini-golf is a lot like life. Golfs a game where you shout, FOUR! and score a seven, while writing down a five. Henry Beard, If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you dont have to waste energy going back to pick it up. When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt. I like to go low. My drives aren't always long and straight. Billy Graham, Show me a man who is a good loser and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. About 160 yards was his reply. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Tahiti. I just got a call my wife has had a life threatening car accident and Im worried I might not make it.. Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. Phyllis Diller, with her outrageous teased hair and housewife caricature stage persona, was a master of delivery and comedic timing. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the . 3 of 10. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? - Mickey Mantle. 8. "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. Your email address will not be published. Lorii Myers, Perhaps more than any other sport, golf focuses pressure on the player. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. To find a mans true character, play golf with him. P.G. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole dead on line. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren't spoken by golfers or celebrities. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges Full Text: Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. In the Golf of Mexico! These quotes and images about funny golf are the truest, wisest, and most positive ones to be found on the web. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. 21. Lee Trevino. Check it out now! Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. Arnold Palmer, 65. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. Because they might get a slice. Ted Ray, I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. My swing is so bad, I look like a caveman killing his lunch. Happy Gilmore. Mickey Mantle, Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. Besides that, I love to explore. Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife. Damn, my shaft's all bent. ", 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. Which is the easiest golf stroke? It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you're a bad golfer. What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional Full Text: My windows aren't dirty, that's just my dog's nose art! I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch. 4. I'm known on the tour for having a lengthy club. A bad hole wont get you a slap across the face when you play golf. Why are computers such naturally good golfers? You swing left and the ball goes right. Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? "Gunga galunga gunga, gunga-galunga." Ellis Parker Butler, Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. Read more: Hilarious poop jokes that kids will love! Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. Its just really hard to play. These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? Relate what your buddy said after a five-putt, the joke your grandfather made about the ballwasher or your golf junkie pal's philosophy about the parallel between golf and life. Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot! Bye Bye Birdie. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. Jim Bishop, I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. Apparently, you cant get out of here with a seven. Hey babycan you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? Learn More. Boo. Lighten up, golf is just a game after all. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. Arnold Palmer, 2. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. Because it would interrupt their tea time. And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. Golfing Quotes "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a -- Winston Churchill "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the -- Jack Benny "You can make a lot of money in this game. The other 20. "Golf is my profession. Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. Think the shot through in advance before you address the ball. What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan? The 18 Best Golf Movies You Need To Watch In 2023, Top 14 Golf Podcasts You Should Listen To (Updated 2023), 7 Left Handed Golf Tips To Crush The Competition, 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation, Practicing Golf At Home: 10 Tricks To Improve Your Game. Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. He said. Just tap it in. In case he gets a hole in one. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. 1. A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Days when you just dont have it, you dont pack it in, you give it everything youve got. What do you jot down if you dont remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. Youngman is credited with inventing the "Take my wifeplease" trope. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. A fan in the crowd said Mr. Do you know why the game is called golf? Always keep learning. Theres no sense in going to a tournament if you dont believe that you can win it. Tiger Woods, 20. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. He also starred with the equally late and great Walter Matthau in one of my favorite movies, Grumpy Old Men. Your second mental problem is concentration. Ellis Parker Butler, When we watch pro golfers, we expect them to play well, to make the shots we know we cant, and to be entertaining. I never prayed that I would make a putt. 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. Dirty Golf Sayings. Therefore weve combined it together and compiled these hilarious Golf Jokes for Seniors that Im sure youll like. Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. Do you share these funny golf jokes? 20. Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? You've got the nicest boobs I've seen outside a PGA Tour locker room. Because all the other four letter words were taken. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls., The blond looked at him compassionately and said: Oh you poor thing. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. You can talk about strategy all you want, but what really matters is resiliency. Hale Irwin, 50. A hole in one of a kind model. "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. But you cant just forget not to think. And there are windmills. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? No matter the distance, its through that tall tree over there. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesnt make much sense. 2. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? 3. I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! The friend is quite amazed: That dog is really talented! Dave Hill, My swing is then adjusted / as words take off and fly / And landing safe beyond the trap / to make the devil cry. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. putt." "Hockey is a sport for white men. Laugh more: Amusing Jokes To Tell Your Friends, What do you call a lion playing golf? The means are as important as the ends. That's mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word foryou get the idea. Sunday Service. 2. When hes not on the green, you can find him wishing that he was Fortunately hes happy tojust chat about it here until the next time. "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.". Philip Wyeth, Hitting down is an important part of iron play. First and foremost, you must have confidence. You look like someone who likes to swing. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Jeff Foxworthy, In order to develop a golf swing, your thoughts must run in the right direction. No matter what you shoot the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin again and make yourself into something. Follow These Tips on How To Handle Frustration. Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. - Bobby Jones The cat crawls out at night to smoke them and we are trying to get him to quit. What is the difference between a fisherman and a golfer? Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! Here is a list that I have compiled over the years of my some of my favorite golf quotes. Have a look at these best picture quotes of funny golf. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. Another Ball in the Trees. Ben Hogan, Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. All of them. Whats the difference between golf and sex? I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. We collected these beautiful images with quotes about funny golf for you because we understand the value of your thoughts and feeling. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test.
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